There are so many wonderful aspects of creating in order to please, entertain, or otherwise serve somebody else; however, creating strictly for your own purposes, to serve yourself, is a function with which many people lose touch as they grow. When one no longer creates for herself then a quest for acceptance from others that seemingly can never be filled, is created.

In this video, I talk about a need to come back to creating as a function of serving the self, and the importance of bringing that into focus once more.

Support me on patreon @ https://www.patreon.com/elanavery/

I realize that my plan for weightloss is not going very well. I am 7 weeks in and have not lost one pound, in fact I have gained weight. Of course, the plan is not just about losing weight but also about getting in movement, taking time for myself, eating the right foods, staying hydrated, and more. But at the end of the day, I like to see the outcome of my work showing on my body. If I am honest then I know that I have been overeating for the entire 7 weeks because I am an emotional eater and a binge eater. Some days I’ve had it all under control, but other days I am truly out of control.

With the holiday season here I have been eating sweets and going out to eat more than I would like. I’ve had a feeling of overwhelm most days, getting the house decorated, managing household things, doing mom things, doing work things, trying to cut out time for personal things. There is no break — it’s just relentless. I need better strategies for managing everyday life.

Although I do not generally like using strict schedules and plans — because I think that living should be more organic — they can work for me when I’m struggling. I am considering creating a plan for myself that has more boundaries, in the coming days.

Today is Tuesday and I did some movement today. I did an hour of power yoga with Lisa and burned 157 calories.

I did not log in my food.

I am so excited to release my first video blog post on my “Heavy Karma” YouTube Channel!

This week I present my understanding of “karma” because I wanted to explain why the channel is named “Heavy Karma,” and also the foundational idea that drives the creation of ths channel and the process.

Somehow I actually got in 5 days of movement despite my healing quadricep. On Friday I did a morning yoga class with Katy. There were times that the movement was too much on my leg but I was able to modify some postures.

Well, last week finished poorly despite my very strong efforts. On Friday I knelt down to put a jacket on my dog (first snow and cold weather) for our walk, and I tore a muscle in my quadricep. That the muscle tore was not surprising since it was sore already for over a week, and I had just been doing more activities, including dance and step aerobics. Something was bound to give. But it gave SO HARD that I wound up screaming and crying for almost 10 minutes because I felt such excruciating pain radiating down my leg.I “whited out” in pain.

I had to lay in bed for the day. I felt down and ate a lot.

The next day was extremely stressful because I had to hobble around to set up for our Halloween gathering. I spent about 6 hours in constant movement just getting the yard set up with decorations and games, getting food ready, going shopping for last minute items — my leg was KILLING me and I was so stressed out on top of the pain. I ended up eating a lot of candy and generally bingeing on unhealthy foods and alcohol.

For the rest of the weekend I just let my leg heal. I ate more candy. My head was not in the game because I was feeling down.

As I begin Week 4, I am like…what the hell am I doing? I am into this “program” for 4 weeks and I feel worse off than when I began. I have gained weight and have next to nothing to show for this time.

Something needs to shift. I decided to create a new template to use each day:

Daily Check-In

Today’s Movement

I was extremely sore today from dance last night. This old body requires a lot more stretching before dancing than I did, and my quadriceps are feeling it. However, I did 27 minutes of step aerobics because I love it so much. 220 calories burned.

I was jumping all around and had a great time!

Today’s Nutrition

I did a great job today. I got some good food in and stayed in range.

I am feeling motivated for the rest of the week!

I think that today, this third day of Week 3 is kind of like the first day of the program. I finally got up the courage to weigh myself this morning. As I suspected, I had gained back almost all of the weight of my heaviest weight of all time. I just 2 pounds lighter now than the heaviest I have ever been. So, that is disappointing. On the other hand, it also gives a lot to work toward.

How easy gaining all my weight back has been! All it takes is days of homeschooling, stress, struggles to manage work time, and lack of personal time and suddenly…well, it’s easy. As an emotional eater I have no problem eating my feelings. I’ve been feeling exhausted, chubby, and sometimes overwhelmed. Doing things as someone who is borderline overweight is challenging, but I keep encouraging myself to move forward.

Today’s weight: 140.2

Today’s Movement

I began today with 25 minutes of practicing Irish Step because I had my first actual class tonight. Last week, you may remember, I had to cancel attending my first class because of a migraine. Practice was good. I see from the videos that I need to work a lot on keeping my arms behind my back, as they peek out the sides of my hips! But I did a few warmups (and also practiced the jig, which is not pictured here). I felt ready for my class.

Irish Step Practice: 179 calories

Here are some excepts from my practice. I am still in my pajamas!

After lunch and homeschool I did 45 minutes of Yoga with Emily on Ompractice.

Yoga: 95 Calories

Then I headed to the studio for an hour of Irish Step. We learned a Halloween dance for the Monster Bash on Friday, and we also learned the slip jig, which was very challenging for me. The other students have been working on it already for two weeks — I felt like my brain was melting!

Irish Step: 386 Calories

Today’s Nutrition

Nutrition today was pretty good. I ate my dinner when I came home from dance.

Week 3 began well with a no-sugar day after I had spent the last week eating a lot of Halloween candy. After the challenges of Week 2 I was ready for some grounding and recentering.

Day 1 Movement

Mondays are currently my “days off” from parenting and they tend to be challenging days. I do the bulk of my teaching work on Mondays, so a lot of energy is expended on the computer. We had some training on Zoom for two hours, too, which made for a very “heady” and tech-centered day. By 7:30 I was craving body movement so badly. Although I rarely like to exercise at night, I already had my spinning shoes on before the meeting ended — I was ready to ride! I did a smooth 20 minute session. My highlight song tonight was Dua Lipa’s “Blow Your Mind,” which I really enjoyed.

I burned 162 calories and had a good sweat going. Then I cooled down and stretched and logged in to Ompractice to do 30 minutes of Yoga Nidra with Amy. It was profound. The meditation bordered on hypnosis and I felt incredibly relaxed and transcendent.

Day 1 Nutrition

My goal was to avoid sugar. I met that goal today and plan to sustain it through the week until Halloween, when I feel OK about having a couple pieces. I did not eat too healthy today, but I was glad that I did what I set out to do.

Day 2 Movement

I did 45 minutes of Yoga with Emily this morning and burned 95 calories. Then I took Samsara for a walk for 35 minutes and burned 179 calories. The weather is getting a little bit chilly now but the forest was really beautiful.

Day 2 Nutrition

I did great meeting my protein goal today and also avoided sugar. I was happy with the way that the day went, nutritionally. It was the best day I have had in awhile.

So far, Week 3 feels good!

I am honestly surprised that I HAD a days 4 and 5 this week! Go, me! If you have been following along in my Heavy Karma blog then you know that this week has been one of the worst weeks emotionally and food-wise (of course, because I am an emotional eater) that I have experienced in a very long time (about a year, at least). I had very low expectations for this week and I did very poorly with my diet (ate a lot of Halloween candy). My fitness focus has been mostly on yoga because I was in deep need of restorative movement and connection.

Day 4 Movement

We celebrated a birthday in the family today and played so many physical games, such as capture the flag, frisbee, football, and more. As I write this post, I am three days out and my quadriceps are still sore! I personally did a lot of sprinting and jogging. It was so much fun and it was great movement and exercise!

Day 5 Movement

I rejoined Ompractice on Day 5. Last year, around this time, I joined as well and did not leave the program until March. I like doing the live virtual yoga classes in Fall and Winter because it brings a sense of community to me during a period that my friends tend to hibernate (and so do I). Today I did a hour-long yoga class with Traci. The class was the fullest I have ever done in my experience with Ompractice with around 13 students. I suppose that since I left the program in March many people have joined due to the pandemic. I liked it! I renewed my membership for a year.

Day 4 Nutrition

My “nutrition” has been anything but lately. I realize that my program in Week 2 has been horrendous due to emotional struggles. I went over my calorie range today and also did not eat a whole lot of healthy foods. I am hoping for a better week next week.

Day 5 Nutrition

I went over my calorie range today because I binged on Halloween candy. My husband and I usually indulge in pasta on Sunday nights and I had planned on NOT doing this because I indluged in candy. However, once it was there in front of me, I jumped right into the bowl.

I do feel that I am ready to re-center my goals in Week 3. I feel committed and inspired to see some better outcomes next week.

Today I was still feeling some of the residual effects of the retinal migraine I experienced earlier this week. I felt ready to push in a workout but I decided to hold back for one more day and just focused on yoga and meditation.

Today’s Workout

As usual lately I practiced yoga while my daughter did some Prodigy Math in the background. Through the years I have gotten quite accustomed to meditating and doing mindful activities in the midst of loud noise and constant interuption!

My yoga was fluid and grounded today. I could feel the long duration since the last time I practiced yoga consistently, which was back in March. I would like to recommit to doing yoga at least twice a week as part of my new wellness program here.

Today I did a nice range of movements to bring flexibility to my mind and body.

Today’s Nutrition

I cannot remember that last time that I felt so much stress for such a long duration as I have these last two weeks. The bulk of the stress comes from setting some boundaries with difficult people in my life right now, and having to deal with the responses to those. I know that I am doing the right thing for myself and for my daughter — but the stress that comes from having to deal with some issues that I have put off for too long in the hopes that positive change would happen on its own, is heavy.

I do feel like this challenging period is coming to an end, finally! Yet, my eating has been tough to control, as I am an emotional eater, a food addict, and a binge eater. Today I went just a little bit over my range, but I did not eat very healthy.

Also, this week I only got in 3 days on my wellness journey rather than my goal of 5 days. I know that this is due to the immense challenges and also due to the migraine that took 3 solid days out of my usual schedule.

Yesterday was to be Day 2 of the second week of my wellness program, but I was hit with a rare retinal migraine, which I have not experienced for over a year now. There was a time for a span of almost 20 years, during which I experienced these debilitating migraine attacks frequently. They always begin with aura in my right eye and then I lose my sight in the right eye. Then I experience aphasia (which can last for hours), then numbness in my limbs, then vomitting, and then — when the experience is really bad — I lose control of my bowels. These early phases can last anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. After the first phase, then the migraine begins to set in. It is only on my left side and usually renders me completely unable to move or do anything for the rest of the day. There was a time when this would happen a couple times a week.

During the last four years I have made enormous strides in learning tools for helping me “stop” the attack at the aura stage so that it does not progress at all through the other symptoms. I do, however, still have to go through the migraine that results. This was the case yesterday.

I have come to learn through the years that my triggers for these attacks involve some emotional and physical components. Usually they happen when I have done strenuous exercise. Usually, it will happen before my period or right at the beginning of my cycle. And, usually there is some stress-related emotional charge happening at the time, which I have been working through.

The day was to be my first formal day at Irish Step Dance class, so I was really bummed when my husband had to notify the instructor that I was not able to attend. My focus for the day was just to get through the day to the best of my ability. There was a lot of drama to deal with — more than usual, unfortunately — and I had to slur my way through some speaking as I had to attend to some issues. I went to bed early and got 10 hours of rest.

This morning I felt a lot better but I continue to feel the “aftermath” of the attack. My brain is foggy, my eyes are slumped down, my head is sore, and feel very exhausted even though I got plenty of sleep. I know that I have to take it easy although I want to workout and push the limits. I have learned to take these cues from my body when it tells me that is enough is enough. I suspect that I know exactly what the problem is, emotionally, right now, and I plan on slowing down and dealing with these stressful issues right now even though they are difficult.

Today’s Workout

I eased into this recovery day with some mindful yoga and meditation, taking my time to enjoy each delicious movement. I focused on gentle, intentional breath for healing. For the meditation, I found my inner light and worked that through my chakras, paying particular attention to the heart and throat, which are the areas that I need attention the most through this emotionally-charged moment in time.

Also, I reached out to a friend and we are meeting today just so I can have a little extra care today, mentally.

I had a great walk in the beautiful forest this afternoon. I love this time of year!

Today’s Nutrition

Lately I have been staying within my calorie range but eating a lot of chocolate — one day I even just had 600 calories of chocolate for dinner. My goal has not really yet been health-focused as much as it has been range-focused since I do generally eat very healthy (unless I am grappling with emotional turmoil, as I have been lately, then I tend to binge eat). My focus remains on staying within a healthy range of calories right now, but the next step is to deal more directly with my binge-eating moments.

I intended to take two days off from fitness in a row at the end of Week 1, but that did not happen. The weather was too beautiful and I ended up going out for a walk with friends on Saturday and a super long hike with my husband on Sunday. So, Monday was my only real rest day. I began my second “week” on Tuesday. During these three untracked days my food was OK. I was in range for two days but ate a lot of halloween candy.

Today’s Workout

The day was not good, emotionally. I had a lot of things to deal with and needed to do a lot of self-care to be able to do all the things that needed to be done. I was exhausted, angry, sad, and frustrated at various points. I planned to workout all day but by the time evening came, I still had had no space for working out. So, when one of my zoom links for a meeting did not work and I could not get in touch with anyone to remedy the problem, I just got on my bike and did 30 minutes while continuing to check my phone and email. That was all I could fit in today.

I spent almost half the workout at peak heart rate, which is something that I have not done in many years — probably almost ten. I used exercise today the way I used to use it before I rehabbed my exercise addiction: as an outlet for anger. I do not like using fitness this way. It was not a comfortable expression.

Today’s Nutrition

Because I had so much going on today I made chili in the crockpot early this morning so the family could eat and I could still get done everything on the agenda. I barely had time to do any eating today, really. It was just such a hectic and tumultuous day: one that is rare. But I came in under my calorie goals.

I could not sleep well when the day was done. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Today was a day off for me. The majority of movement for the day came from housework and walking with some friends around the lake. We had a little fire in the backyard while our girls did some Just Dance inside. It was really nice.

Today’s Workout

I would not call the walk today a workout, but it did burn 116 calories!

Today’s Nutrition

I stayed in range today. My husband made dinner and we all snuggled down on the couch for our continuing Halloween (family-friendly) movie night. I was happy with how the day went, with plenty of laughs, beautiful weather, a food diary in range, and some gentle movement.

Lunch was definitely the highlight, with some haddock over a bed of veggies.

I embarked on a new dance journey today! I signed up for Irish Step Dancing at my friend’s studio and had a private lesson before I join the regular adult class (which has been underway for two months already). I loved learning how to dance; it was so much fun and such a challenge.

Today’s Workout

Waiting to workout until the evening was difficult; I spent more of the morning and afternoon feeling like I should have been working out. But I was glad that I waited until my lesson because I needed the energy. The lesson was long (2 hours) and slow-moving because my teacher was trying to catch me up on two months-worth of steps. It was a workout for my brain, for real. But I really loved the style.

While the lesson was two hours, I did not dance that whole time. I would say I spent about half of it dancing. I burned 487 calories. I experienced a lot of interval, as you can see, going high and then stopping and going low in my heart rate.

Today’s Nutrition

Nutritionally today I stayed within range and ate really healthy with a wide array of whole foods.

Emotionally, today was a drain. There were a lot of challenges to confront in different areas of my life. My goal was to just try not to binge eat, because that is my default for all things uncomfortable.

Today’s Workout

For the workout I did 20 minutes of tap dancing. Tap dancing is an unfamiliar movement for me, and it utilizes my brain in new ways – sometimes it gives me a little headache! This was my second time working through the tap dance warmup on DancePlug. It is SUPER basic but for me, who has never done tap before, it really was difficult!

I burned 126 calories for this little jig, but many more brain cells just trying to get my feet to do it semi-correctly.

Today’s Nutrition

I did avoid a binge today, but I also went over my calorie range by a bit. The foods were healthy and I met my protein goal — but I hope that tomorrow I can stay in range better.

The “extras” were totally from emotional eating due to a visit from my mother and a couple other unsavory experiences today. I did some meditation to help deal with big feelings, and also did some other selfcare throughout the day.

While my daughter worked on some math this morning (we are homeschooling this year) I got in some movement. True, that I had to be available to help her while she worked through some complex problems, but I certainly worked up a lather. Feeling like I have my priorities straight helps a lot.

Every morning I recite the same affirmation: “I do everything on my plate today and I can do it well.”

Today’s Workout

I did some crosstraining today with 20 minutes of indoor cycling and 10 minutes of strength training. The spinning was intense for me, with intervals that I strove to keep at 70 RPM or higher. Sometimes that was tough, especially after a sprint.

Strength training was quick and effective. I used a combination of resistance bands and barbell to hit squats, leg lifts, glute squeezes, biceps curl, upright row, and abs.

In all I worked out for 30 minutes and burned 215 calories. Later in the day I went for a 30 minute walk!

Today’s Nutrition

I was nervous about nutrition and calories today, as we had friends over to celebrate a birthday. I knew that I could drink wine and eat cake. So, I tried to save the major calories for dinner. Even still, I ate a bit more cake than I wanted to and went over my calorie goals.

I came in at more than 1600 calories, which is not ideal but also not as horrible as it could have been, or as horrible it has surely been in the past!

The second day was easier than the first; perhaps this is because I did some dancing today and dance is something that I really love. Fitting a workout in on Tuesdays can be tough because the day is so varied. Even though I had to pause in the middle of my warm-up yoga to bring in groceries, put them away, and do recycling, I was able to come right back to it and pick up where I left off.

Today’s Workout

Yoga is always a great way to warm-up the muscles and get the body, mind, and spirit ready for dancing. I did 38 minutes of yoga.

Video motivates me — I am not sure why. But I feel enthusiastic about fitness when I am doing it with someone, so since I do not have anyone to do it with, video has taken the place of community.

After yoga I moved into some dance.

I wrapped up a dance routine I have learned/practiced once a week for the last three weeks, this morning. This is the first dance routine I have tried to learn in decades! I love dance but I just have not had an opportunity to dance at all in such a long time.

I use DancePlug and this routine is called “Real Life” and is choreographer by Mariah Spears. The routine is beginner-level jazz/funk. It was challenging for me to learn, as I am a beginner-beginner at dance. But I had a great time, as I always do. When you watch the video clip, I hope you laugh with joy because I felt a lot of joy although I did not really nail the routine. Dancing is just about expression and fun for me (though I would like to learn how to jump). I am not sure, though, what the heck was up with me facial expressions! Hahaha!

A little less than half of my dancing was not recorded by my FitBit because I had it, mistakenly, on pause.

In sum, I burned around 150 calories for an hour of working out, which is really not that much at all. But movement is not always about burning a lot of calories but just feeling good.

Today’s Nutrition

There were some emotional reasons to overeat today, as there are every day. But I stayed focused and even said no to some chocolate tonight. I stayed in my calorie range and had some good protein.

A little movement goes a long way!

– Today’s Focus

Today is a day off from parenting for me, as all Mondays are right now. It is my only “day off” from this mode and so offers some unique considerations. One is that I tend to have big emotions because my child is not here with me, and this often causes me to emotionally eat — read: binge eat. Generally I do not work out on this day, taking it as a total day off to allow my body and mind and spirit to recover from the previous six days in “go mode.”

Since Mondays are such difficult days for me, I wanted to ease into my new program by taking some of the pressure off. Like many people, I place a lot of pressure on myself to be “perfect” and to achieve as much as possible (in ways that can be measured, especially by others). But this Heavy Karma approach that I created for myself is about sitting in these tendencies and accepting them in order to understand them so that I no longer need them.

I am taking my time today to feed my passions! I lost four hours first thing in the morning working on a passion project and was still in my PJs at 1pm. When I began to contemplate how I wanted to move my body, I immediately thought of step aerobics — another passion!

Today’s Workout

I did BodyStep Remix #3: Step to the Party on Les Mills On Demand. I have been LOVING these remixes. This was my first time doing this particular installment. My focus was to just MOVE and to enjoy the movement.

The workout had me sweating but it was not my favorite of the series. I burned 377 calories for this 45 minutes of step aerobics (7 of those minutes were at peak heart rate). That’s a good burn for me!

Today’s Nutrition

When thinking about what to eat finally was a factor, I was apprehensive, as I always have been when I have to think about food. I kept reminding myself that moderation is my goal but that a bigger goal is to feel what I feel and learn what needs to be learned.

I logged my food on MFP to keep track of my nutrients and my calorie expenditure. I came in at 1237 calories.

In sum, not a bad day. This was a good way to get on track.