2021 Reflection

What did you feel held you back in 2021?
What have you corrected?
What are you still working to change?

My tie to emotional eating held me back in 2021, which was the year that I reached my highest weight. I felt a lot of anger and fear. While I gained much weight, I also achieved some amazing things, though. I found community with “my people” for the first time in my life; I actually feel as if I belong in several groups, and I have never had that before. I have more friends now than I have experienced in my life, and these are friends with deep connections. In 2022 I work to continue to look at my relationship with eating.

What’s your biggest non-scale victory you’ve discovered so far in 2022?
Are the scale numbers lining up with your plans? What do you plan to correct?
How will you celebrate by being active today?

My biggest non-scale victory is beefing up my social life as self-care. I lost many friends in the last two years and I decided to go out and find my people: those who are truly aligned with me. I actually DID that! And I feel closer to people and more connected than I ever had. For an introverted person, that is amazing…it’s a victory. The scale numbers are sometimes reflecting my victory. Celebrating always centers around food or retail therapy and I would like to change that but I nothing else really resonnates with me or feels like celebration.

What have you learned/noticed about yourself in the past six weeks that you hadn’t seen last year?
What ONE THING can you change immediately that’s been on your mind?
Take a walk with me today…can I have 15 minutes of your day?

I think that I am pretty self-aware. But I have become more outspoken about who I am and what I believe to be right in the last year. I am more capable of speaking my truth now. One thing that I could change immediately is my eating pattern. I can focus more on the daily rather than the weekly.

Goals for 2022

Today’s Question in Fat 2 Fit MFP Group:

What was your number one goal for 2022?
How’s that going?
What’s today’s plan?

My goal for 2022 was to stay open to the chaos. Checking in with myself, I am very happy with how I continue to combat my challenging habit of numbing out when things get ugly. I am getting better at setting boundaries so that I can feel safer in an “opened” inner space.

Today’s plan is to keep focused on my hydration, as that is so often the missing link in any day, as I drink so little.

February 2022 Mindset

Being clear is a good plan for weight loss and lifestyle change. My plan for February 2022 is as follows:

Weight: From 146 to 142

Diet (per day)

  • One meal a day Intermittent Fasting
  • Eating window: 4-7pm, 7 days a week
  • Healthy, whole foods | no sugar
  • 128 oz of water
  • 1200-1400 calories

Exercise (per week)

  • 6 days of cardio | 30-60 minutes
  • 4 days of strength
  • 3-4 walks
  • 2 yoga sessions

Sleep (per day)

  • 8 hours

Accountability

  • Log food in MFP
  • Daily blog (and share in MFP)
  • Weigh-in Wednesdays

I Sing the Human Electric

This is the female form,

A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot,

It attracts with fierce undeniable attraction,

I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapor, all falls aside but myself and it

– from “I Sing the Body Electric” by Walt Whitman

Omnia Vanitas by William Dyce

As I age and develop a deeper relationship with/to my body, I am intrigued by its changes and how I move to greet them. The relationship between me and my body symbolizes how I grapple with the world. This blog seeks to explore that connection. Diet, exercise, and wellness practices will be tracked, as well as reflections and plans. I am curious about what health looks and feels like as I move through middle age, and how I can forge a resilient reflection that feels authentic.

Wellness Diary: Week 9

At the end of Week 8 I weighed myself and found that I lost a pound after staying steady for weeks. This sent me into a panic, as losing weight usually does.

I am not sure that many can relate to freaking out when the scale goes down; most people celebrate weight loss. But for me, when I see the scale move down I begin to panic. The reasons for this are manifold as all reasonings for complex reactions are: they relate to trauma and, of course, fear.

Nevertheless, there it is.

I lost a pound and spent the next few days in an overeating binge haze, trying ostensibly to regain that weight and more.

My second reaction after this was to vow to never weigh myself again, trying to pin down the symptom of the problem as if fixing THAT would fix the underlying real problem.

Self-awareness goes a long way, and has helped me un-do my ridiculous thinking patterns over the years.

No, stopping weighing myself is not going to take care of my problem. I have learned that avoidance only conjures MORE avoidance, and that when piled on top of my already-pretty-strong trauma around weight, only makes the problem worse.

What needs to be done is what has ALWAYS needed to be done, and continues to GET done: I need to hunker down deep into my anxiety and phobia and trauma and LOOK at what is happening, and FEEL what is happening so that I can understand it. It’s a tough thing to understand, but I DO know what is going on, and I DO know how to fix. I have the key to everthing.

I just need to continue on my journey as a voice inside tells me that I am not perfect enough to continue it. I hear that voice. I acknowledge it. I reach out my arms to hug the girl who speak that way to herself. She can either choose to take that hug or not…but it’s there no matter what, and without judgment for her.

So, I continue on to Week 9, having lost no weight in 9 weeks, having questioned myself time and time again, having thought about quitting this journey….but staying dedicated to myself. Here in Week 9, I’m not giving up because my goals are more than weight loss. My goal is to live my best life, standing in my strength, which means never avoiding my weaknesses, but positioning them as tools to help me know myself better.

I believe that THIS approach is what really changes lives.