Episode 43

This was the week before I got sick and also before I chopped off all my hair. It was a good week. I deep cleaned the fridge, reflected about the role of trauma in weight loss, and did my daily workouts.

Episode 40

Another week in the books! I keep wondering if should stop making content altogether, just because it’s so time-consuming. However, I realize, too, that I feel a lot more motivated to stay on my routine and work hard on my workouts when I am recording myself. I guess it’s a good trade-off. Maybe putting in the time to make these videos pays off. For now, I am going to keep them going!

Episode 39

This is my second vlog that encompasses a full week-ish of content. This is the week before we went on vacation to Maine. I actually did not record at all while on vacation, but my husband used my camera on his drone and got some footage that I ended up incorporating into the vlog.

Episode 38

I have noticed that many people who post weightloss | wellness | fitness vlogs tend to have pretty long videos — like, up to 30 minutes. I thought to string together several days’ worth of footage so that my vlogs can be longer. This is my first attempt, and the video only ended up being a little more than 5 minutes long. Oh well! Guess I need to learn to talk more, or record more…

But here is my first weekly vlog post, rich with almost a week’s worth of media.

Episode 37

I was a bit bummed to have lost so much footage from this episode, due to my computer crashing. However, I do feel lucky to have been able to recover what I did from the day. Today I hit a chest and triceps workout, spent some time at a local river, and also watered my plants. Fascinating stuff in the life of a middle-aged woman, for sure.

Today I also researched more successful YouTubers and I see that many of these weight loss and wellness episodes tend to be much longer and be comprised of much more talking to the camera. I think that I may try to shift into this kind of modality — but it won’t be until after Episode 40, at least, because I am still behind in uploading old footage.

Episode 36

I continue to play catch-up on processing videos from weeks ago, amidst trying to recover files from the latest computer crash. This heat wave is really getting to me. But, nevertheless, here is Episode 36 in which there was no heat wave, and I can look back upon that day fondly.

Episode 35

My PC crashed and I lost all my files; after four days of working on getting my computer back up and running, I am finally able to post my content. I was already two weeks behind on posting content, and now I am even farther back. I hope that I can catch up soon! Anway, in this episode I do some reflection on my journey, hit a legs and shoulders workout, and head to the beach for some reading after some delicious food.

Episode 31

We had a fun birthday celebration at Three Sisters Sanctuary. I hit a legs and shoulders workout in the home gym. And I reflected on how I handle stress.

Episode 28

I have taken a couple days off and I am few videos behind on posting. Here is Episode 28 with reflections on my continued gut cleanse, a frozen yogurt bites recipe, and a biceps and back workout.

Episode 26

I wax poetic about taking responsibility for my reality as I float on the lake. Then, I crush a chest and triceps workout, and finally I bring it home with some time with friends.

Episode 24

I finally got my replacement GoPro and I am back with my daily vlogs on this wellness journey! I really missed making content. In this episode I take a walk, have a reflection, go swimming, do step aerobics, do yoga, and hit a fireworks show with the family. Summer doesn’t get better.

Episode 23

This weekend while swimming in the lake, I thought to take some footage of swimming underwater and my GoPro drowned! I lost some footage, but here is the last footage, which is a back and biceps workout. A new GoPro should arrive tomorrow, so until then…enjoy!

Episode 19

I take a hard look at what has made me unwell on this wellness journey, because acknowledging why I feel unwell is part of growing and learning. I hit a biceps and back workout after making space to care for my mental and emotional health.

Episode 14

Following a shoulders workout and step aerobics, I confronted the same panic I have felt for 22 years after doing cardio. I include some reflection about panic disorder, weigh in, and then make some sage smudge sticks.

EPISODE 8

I was so excited to hit our new home gym yesterday. I went light and did a full body workout. Check out Episode 8 of my wellness journey, which features the workout, a weigh-in, and a reflection. 

Episode 7

I hope that this is the last day that I have to work around an injury. I feel like I am ready to do some light lifting and cardio again, and resume this journey the way that I envisioned it! In Episode 7 I do 90 minutes of yoga, some core work, and have a walk. I think I’m ready.

Episode 6

Oh! The thrilling life of a 42-year-old woman! In this episode I go for a walk, do some gardening, make dinner, and mourn that I still cannot lift weights due to a back injury. It is — in short — precisely what is expected of a middle-aged life…at least today. I hope tomorrow I can crush some goals.

April Update

Spring 2022 is off to an excellent start. I really feel as if I am coming out of hibernation in a lot of ways; the most significant way is that this past year I was able to truly be more authentic that I have been in decades — maybe ever. I’ve been standing in my truth, speaking what I believe, and showing my real self even to people in my community. I feel very free.

This spring is meaningful. Firstly, we used some our refund to continue working on our garage-gym space. Finally! We began the project last summer but only got as far as cleaning it out before we ran out of funds. Currently, I am in the process of sealing and painting the space. I purchased some equipment and also some inspirational decor. Also, an air purifier and dehumidifier. We got materials to build a wall and door, and to finish the ceiling. That may be the extent of our funds for this season, but working on the space is exciting!

Phase 2 is coming along

We have been meeting our goal of going to the gym at least twice a week while we work on our home gym. I have been reaching or exceeding my 5-day-a-week workout goals every week. Posing on social media has helped to keep me motivated (FOLLOW ME @moonbodiesjournal and on Facebook).

Self-Care Bingo

One of my groups is doing “self-care bingo” this week and I wanted to select a couple areas to work on. One of the prompts is to write down 5 good things about myself. Here they are:

  1. I am living in my most authentic way in this moment.
  2. I go out of my way to express and show and take care of others.
  3. I am able to admit my mistakes and take action to fix them.
  4. I can do hard and scary things when I know that is what is right for me to do.
  5. I can take care of myself but also let others care for me.

2021 Reflection

What did you feel held you back in 2021?
What have you corrected?
What are you still working to change?

My tie to emotional eating held me back in 2021, which was the year that I reached my highest weight. I felt a lot of anger and fear. While I gained much weight, I also achieved some amazing things, though. I found community with “my people” for the first time in my life; I actually feel as if I belong in several groups, and I have never had that before. I have more friends now than I have experienced in my life, and these are friends with deep connections. In 2022 I work to continue to look at my relationship with eating.

What’s your biggest non-scale victory you’ve discovered so far in 2022?
Are the scale numbers lining up with your plans? What do you plan to correct?
How will you celebrate by being active today?

My biggest non-scale victory is beefing up my social life as self-care. I lost many friends in the last two years and I decided to go out and find my people: those who are truly aligned with me. I actually DID that! And I feel closer to people and more connected than I ever had. For an introverted person, that is amazing…it’s a victory. The scale numbers are sometimes reflecting my victory. Celebrating always centers around food or retail therapy and I would like to change that but I nothing else really resonnates with me or feels like celebration.

What have you learned/noticed about yourself in the past six weeks that you hadn’t seen last year?
What ONE THING can you change immediately that’s been on your mind?
Take a walk with me today…can I have 15 minutes of your day?

I think that I am pretty self-aware. But I have become more outspoken about who I am and what I believe to be right in the last year. I am more capable of speaking my truth now. One thing that I could change immediately is my eating pattern. I can focus more on the daily rather than the weekly.

Goals for 2022

Today’s Question in Fat 2 Fit MFP Group:

What was your number one goal for 2022?
How’s that going?
What’s today’s plan?

My goal for 2022 was to stay open to the chaos. Checking in with myself, I am very happy with how I continue to combat my challenging habit of numbing out when things get ugly. I am getting better at setting boundaries so that I can feel safer in an “opened” inner space.

Today’s plan is to keep focused on my hydration, as that is so often the missing link in any day, as I drink so little.

I Sing the Human Electric

This is the female form,

A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot,

It attracts with fierce undeniable attraction,

I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapor, all falls aside but myself and it

– from “I Sing the Body Electric” by Walt Whitman

Omnia Vanitas by William Dyce

As I age and develop a deeper relationship with/to my body, I am intrigued by its changes and how I move to greet them. The relationship between me and my body symbolizes how I grapple with the world. This blog seeks to explore that connection. Diet, exercise, and wellness practices will be tracked, as well as reflections and plans. I am curious about what health looks and feels like as I move through middle age, and how I can forge a resilient reflection that feels authentic.

The Year of Radical Self Care

Most people, I think, require deep rest. If you are part of this capitalist society then you may be aware that rest is not an easily-procured thing. Oftentimes rest is considered weakness. This is true for both men and women but in some different ways.

I, like most moms with a career, have not had opportunities for rest and have had to carve time out for self-care. Once that puzzle was figured out (and it takes some trial and error), a more complicated problem emerges: how to allow that care to emerge, how to accept it.

Found a few minutes in the day to spend on caring for your needs? Figured out what to do to take care of yourself? Now the problem — how do you accept that care?

Seems like a problem fraught in privledge, and it is. It is also one grounded in the internalization of cultural ideals about women and mothers. It is also a problem of capitalism, standardized educational practices, marginalization, and stigmas about mental health, to only name a few that pop off in my mind when I think about why it has been so difficult for me to accept my plan of self-care.

Seems like a problem fraught in privledge, and it is. It is also one grounded in the internalization of cultural ideals about women and mothers. It is also a problem of capitalism, standardized educational practices, marginalization, and stigmas about mental health, to only name a few that pop off in my mind when I think about why it has been so difficult for me to accept my plan of self-care.

Here’s my confession: as soon as I sent out my resignation letters, I began what has turned into a month of frantic searching for another job. My mind cannot stop probing into what I am going to do.

Now, my husband is on board and vowed to support me financially for the next year as I supported him financially during the first two years of our relationship. He wants me to take this time, as he did, to explore and find enjoyment in my career again.

I have many questions: what are my passions now? What brings me a sense of vitality and grounding? Where is my heart? What does self-care look like in my 40s?

Anyone would be lucky to have this opportunity.

I am also taking this year of radical self-care to prepare for adoption from foster care, a process into which we are about one year.

Sounds great, right? How wonderful to have alotted this time and space for such magickal work!

But I am struggling to allow myself this space! I have an interview lined up next week and I only JUST posted grades for my last class three days ago. The panic is REALLY REAL for me, yet I am not completley sure what I am panicked about. It’s a nameless dread…always.

The Fantasy of Illness

“Fantasy” is used to denote desire and not make-believe.

In this video, I present the idea that during the covid pandemic the subconscious may project a wish for illness due to societal and personal value systems. The “fantasy of illness” is a desire that acknowledges one’s understanding of self as a sickly individual in need of care from others; this is not necessarily a negative desire, but one that should be brought into awareness when moving toward the society that we wish to build together. A “fantasy of illness” does not indicate that one makes oneself ill but that a person may feel relief when the world around her begins to reflect her inner fears of being unwell.

Wellness Diary: Week 8, Day 3

WeightBody FatBMIHipsWaistBustThigh
140.627.4%2438.532.23821
I ate really well yesterday but my weight creeped a tiny little bit. In my life, this has been my standard: when things go really well, at first they look worse before they start looking better. Such is life. In generaly, my journey has been a study of maintenance, as I have hovered around the same weight for 8 weeks.
MovementDurationBurn
 Yoga
Step Aerobics
 60
30
215
251
I tried yoga with a new instructor today and I have say…I HATED the whole class. That is a rare sentiment for yoga, for me…but…there it is. After the first 5 minutes I was very tempted to just leave the class but I stuck it out for the whole hour. It was painful to go through. It was like, workout yoga, which I used to like in my 20s but quickly grew out of. I cannot stand the style of yoga that I did today.

Step aerobics was super fun! I did a new release on Les Mills on Demand (#119, I think), and had SO much fun!
Calorie GoalCaloriesOther Nutrition Goals
 1200-1300 1140 No sugar, small portions
I got a new food scale, and it’s going well. My husband made pasta for lunch today and I felt that I had to eat it even though I would rather completely avoid pasta because it’s a trigger food. He scooped me out about 3 servings, so I had to get the cup measure and recalibrate to 1 cup. My goodness, looking at one cup of pasta is a sad, sad vision. It’s, like, the size of my tooth. It’s enough to make an emotional eater cry.
Self-Care, Parenting, Stress, Joy, Balance, Writing
 Yoga, Blogging
The yoga was good self care and I did some blogging, which was great.

Wellness Diary: Week 8, Day 2

WeightBody FatBMIHipsWaistBustThigh
140.227.4%2438.532.23821
No change in weight!
MovementDurationBurn
Yoga
Walk
45
30
 97
233
Today was a lovely day of movement! Yoga with Emily is a weekly favorite. It left me with tingles in my body. The walk was really nice out in the cold with the dog.
Calorie GoalCaloriesOther Nutrition Goals
 1200 1086 No sugar, under range
I cannot tell you the last time that I came under my range. Not that this is something that I want to do a lot, but oh my GODDESS — yes! I did such a great job today keeping portion small and NOT overeating. The last time I did that was…2014. So, kudos, friend.
Self-Care, Parenting, Stress, Joy, Balance, Writing
 Writing, Yoga, Snuggles
The yoga, of course, counts as self care, and so does snuggling down with my daughter for our weekly girls’ night. We watched a movie tonight and it was nice. I also got in some writing of my novel: always THE BEST.

Wellness Diary: Week 8, Day 1

WeightBody FatBMIHipsWaistBustThigh
140.227.4%2438.532.23821
I continue to not lose or gain any weight. I remain around the heaviest weight I have been in my life.
MovementDurationBurn
 Spinning 30 251
I did not want to workout today, as it is my “day off,” but I got on the bike first thin in the morning and spun those wheels for 30 minutes.
Calorie GoalCaloriesOther Nutrition Goals
 1200-1300 1244 No sugar
I had some alcohol today and I also had sugar while I wrapped gifts.
Self-Care, Parenting, Stress, Joy, Balance, Writing
Writing and Gaming
I really lose myself in my writing today. It was wonderful! I wrote a lot of my book and also did some other related writing.

Wellness Diary: Week 7 Day 3

Thanksgiving included a lot of eating, as expected. I started the day by eating cookies and then had a super delicious, healthy dinner, followed by pie. So, there were some good and some not-so-good choices for reaching my wellness goals. I did not get in any movement.

We had such a great holiday!

Today, the day after Thanksgiving, I have mixed feelings about how to move forward. A part of me just wants to focus on my eating, doing small portions and good protein and veggies. The other part of me feels that I should do this plus get in some exercise. But exercising while feeling chubby and full from the day before is not attractive to me.

WeightBody FatBMIHipsWaistBustThigh
140.427.4%2438.532.23821
I only gained .2 lbs over Thanksgiving. I would consider that a win!
MovementDurationBurn
 Indoor Cycling
The Trip #17
 30 256
I really did not want to exercise today! My bedroom, where I exercise, is currently FULL of STUFF as my husband replaces our bathroom floor. There is a shopvac, floor pieces, the hampers from the bathroom, and more, all over the place! Not motivational at all. But I dragged the bike out and aimed for 45 minutes of spinning — I did 30 minutes.

Calorie GoalCaloriesOther Nutrition Goals
 1200 1165 No sugar, refined carbs
I did an excellent job today, nutrionally. I came in a little bit under range and made healthy choices.
Self-Care, Parenting, Stress, Joy, Balance, Writing
 Blogging, Writing Novel, Time with Friends
I began the day with some blogging and social media work and then spent 20 minutes writing my novel. That always feels really fulfilling. Then, later in the day, some girl friends came by with their kids and we had a great time chatting and having tea.

Week 7, Day 2

Today’s highlight was absolutely Irish Step Dance, as far as movement goes. The day was rainy and I did not get in the walk I had planned. But I had fun dancing.

WeightBody FatBMIHipsWaistBustThigh
140.227.4%2438.532.23821
My goal is now to lose 5 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know that this may seem like a crazy time of year to try to lose any weight at all, but I hope that this mini-goal will keep me motivated. I feel like it is achievable!
MovementDurationBurn
 Irish Step Dance60 minutes 417 
Irish Step Dancing is always a lot of fun. There were more participants tonight due to classes being cancelled for Thanksgiving, so it was super fun. I just did not like wearing the mask, which made breathing hard when things got tough. We did the slip jig and then also another dance (I don’t remember the name) that was quite an exercise for the brain.
Calorie GoalCaloriesOther Nutrition Goals
 1200-1300 1343 No sugar
The day began super well, and I did very well all the way up until dance was over. My husband surprised me by ordering take out from Texas Roadhouse, and I was really disappointed by this even though it was a gesture of love. I expected that we would be having meatballs and veggies for dinner but instead he ordered me prime rib (which I do not like — he meant to order ribeye, which is my favorite), and a baked potato (I would have ordered brocoli). I was absolutely starving for dinner because I ate under my calories for breakfast and lunch and had just burned a ton of calories dancing, and I did not want to hurt his feelings by not eating the meal. So, I ate it. And I would have come in just at my range, but then I felt “off the rails” and had couple bites of the peppermint bark that we got for making gingerbread houses. I only had a couple bites, but that was enough to put me over my range for the day, and also undid my goal today of avoiding sugar.
Self-Care, Parenting, Stress, Joy, Balance, Writing
 Knitting and watching a show with my daughter; making a video blog post; singing Christmas songs; physical.
I ran into a situation today in which I felt really strung out. The thought of homeschooling today was causing stress, and despite getting 9 hours of sleep I felt really tired. My husband suggested that I just listen to my body and “why not snuggle down and do some knitting and watch a show?” I really rarely ever watch anything unless I have alone time late at night, maybe once a month. But, I took his advice and snuggled down with my daughter. We both did some knitting and we watched a show. After that, I actually did feel rejuvenated and was able to be present for the rest of the day. We made some gingerbread houses and just skipped the formal learning for the day. I also had to run some errands today, including having a medical physical.

Week 6: Days 1-5

This week I felt as if I was in a fog, literally all week long. I did not log in my food — not because I was “off the rails” but really just because I forgot. This was an auto-pilot kind of week, of which I have not experienced in a long time. I felt lethargic, disconnected, really tired. I had my period this week, so this may have been why, although I usually would get these symptoms during PMS, which is the week before my period hits.

It has just been a strange week, as if I have not been home.

I did a lot of introspection this week, and made some big decisions. I suspect that this emotional work was taxing on my physical aparatuses, and this may be why I showed up the way I did.

There haven’t been any negative feelings or struggles…just extreme tiredness and forgetfulness. Somehow, though, I managed to get in some movement, though as I write about it I can hardly remember what I did or how I felt.

Monday

On Monday I had a big epiphany about a situation that has been haunting me for 30 years or more. It’s always in the back of my mind and I never know how to deal with it. But on Monday, something really clicked for me and I dealt with this issue in a way I had never dealt with it before. I even made a video in which I expressed my feelings concerning this speed bump in my life. It was very exhausting and left me feeling quite empty for a bit of time, but I do feel that in the bigger picture, this was fruitful work. Now that I write out this reflection…no wonder I’ve had the week that I did! Oh my goodness.

I did a bit of yoga with Traci and it felt nice.

I finished the day with 30 minutes of Yoga Nidra/Meditation with Amy. It was beautiful and really helped me to assimilate the spiritual/psychological work that I did that day. But after the meditation I had a splitting headache for the night and had to go to bed early.

Tuesday

The only movement that I got in on Tuesday was walking the dog for 30 minutes and then a 15 minute excursion down to the lake with my daughter for a homeschool project in Geology. I managed to burn a little over 200 calories. This was a heavy flow day and I wanted to do yoga but I just did not want the back-flow in my Diva Cup, so I avoided it. I logged food in the beginning of the day but then just forgot about the rest of the day.

Wednesday

By Wednesday, I was feeling a little bit more present in my body again. I had a 40 minute walk and burned 228 calories. And then I went to Irish Step Dance that night and danced for 60 minutes to burn 346 calories. It was a big burn day for me, and active. The dancing was really fun.

Thursday

On Thursday I did a nice power yoga session with Lisa. I have not done a class with her since March. It was so nice to connect with her and her style again. The yoga that I’ve done this week helped me to connect a bit more, but I continue to move toward integrating my big movements from Monday.

Friday

I woke up feeling the heaviness/disconnect/whatever that I’d been feeling since Monday. But I tried out Les Mills Body Jam in the morning, doing the techno release. It was so much fun that I felt, for a few minutes, that I was releasing some “gunk” (Lisa’s work in yoga from Thursday). I did 20 minutes of dance followed by 5 minutes of core to burn 218 calories.

I am not sure what more — if anything — the week holds for me, but I hope to bring my goals into focus next week, carrying forward the work I did on some long-standing issues at the start of this week.